miercuri, 11 iulie 2012

Rising angel...

Buna seara, din nou. M-am gandit sa scriu si astazi, chiar daca e destul de soon fata de ultima oara, dar am avut parte de o experienta cam aiurea azi cand veneam de la munca. Eram in taxi si in fata noastra, pe undeva dincolo de Podul Grant era un pui mic de proumbel pe mijlocul strazii. Zic pui pentru ca era micut si nu putea sa zboare. A oprit taximetristul si a incercat sa-l prinda, dar amaratul (Care tin sa mentionez era negru cu pete albe, sau alb cu pete negre, foarte frumos, oricum) a fugit sub masina unei tute proaste… Roz. Care l-a si calcat. Toate astea intamplandu-se sub geamul meu la arpoximativ jumatate de metru… I-am auzit oscioarele cum au pocnit si cum i-a pleznit pielea scotand totul afara. Si dupa ce idioata a trecut cum inca ii mai tremura un piciorus. Imagini care cred ca o sa-mi fie in minte mult timp de aici incolo. Nici nu mai zic de golul in stomac si raul pe care-l inca am, aproape opt ore mai tarziu. Asa ca, incurajat de Cati la ultimul comentariu, si cu imaginea asta proaspata in minte, am zis cat de departe pot duce idea de tragic in proza...? So, here it goes, another figment of my sick imagination…

I told her how much she means, I told her everything I could’ve told anyone. I never did something like this before, never imagined myself I’ll ever do. I never imagined that I, out of all the people, would get to fall in love so fast. Anyway, I told her that I needed her, I needed her support. Just for her to be there, not near me, but with me, even if it’s just talking over the internet…

I wait, and I’m not great at waiting. But, I wait, and eventually she comes. We start talking a bit, I tell her what happened and yet something feels wrong. I panicked, and I panicked hard. She was barley replying and I knew something was wrong. I feared the worst, but I didn’t tell her anything. I just kept talking, almost by myself hoping something will be different and that I was just imagining things. I asked her if it’s some sort of a problem. If she’s upset at me or if I did something to bother her. Eventually, she replied that nothing’s wrong, and even if something would be wrong it wouldn’t be my problem… And then I cracked.

How could she say that? She knows I care about her, about what happens with her… It might not be my problem, per se, but I care! I want it to be my problem, I want to help her… And then I freak out. I tell her what I feel again and she just disses it like it’s not a big deal. Finally, she said she wants to leave… I just tell her that if she does leave like that she shouldn’t expect to find me when she’ll return. She just said ok and hangs up… I go insane. Does she really doesn’t care at all? Do I really mean nothing to her? Did she really mean it? Did she even realize what happened? I have no bloody clue and that drives me crazy… I just text her that I love her, one more time… I’m proud of that. I know I’ll never find another like her, but if she doesn’t want me, there’s nothing I can do about it. I wish her the best and I say goodbye…

I close my phone and throw it away. A few moments and a couple of sips of coffee I figure out what I did, and tears start running down my cheeks. I pull my hands through my hair and I light up another cigarette. I can’t stop thinking of her and of the last conversation. The one worded replies, the ten – fifteen minutes she took between sending them, while I was staring at the screen waiting. About that ok that sealed the deal, which showed me she didn’t care what I do, if I stay or leave… Did she? Was she just as happy when I was around then when I wasn’t?

I know we didn’t know each other for a long time, but it felt like we knew each other for a life time! We’ve been through basically the same experiences, from top till bottom. I felt she knows me and I could’ve sworn I knew her. It was easy to talk to her and it was easy to fall for her, but the open gushing wound in my chest today told me otherwise. It told me I was a fool and that I fell for the wrong girl.

I decide it’s time leave, to fuck it all and go away. I took my jacket in one hand and the keys in the other. It’s burning hot outside, but I don’t really care. I just put it on my back and start sweating. At least it could hide the tears… I mount up and put the keys in the ignition, I pull the clutch and put it in first gear. When I press the start button her face flashes in my face. I squint my eyes and another drop falls down my face. I let go of the clutch and pull the gas, the bike just roars up under me and we start going. As I hit the road I remember I don’t have a helmet, but I don’t care, I just pull the gas even harder. Second gear, third gear.
I run a red light. I saw it in the corner of my eyes. And I remember when she told me of her friends that she used to race. I pull the gas some more. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care where or how, I just need to ride. Riding makes me feel better now, it how I cope with pain. I decide to go to the seaside... Maybe I’ll see that sunrise she promised. That she promised she’ll steal me away to see it together. And another tear falls so I press the gas more. Fifth gear. The bike is roaring angry underneath me, like she’s feeling my pain and she wants to avenge me. The tear froze up due to the wind and I start to squint my eyes so I can see where I’m going.

I’m covering miles in minutes and I’m close to exiting the town. I think a cop flagged me down, but I don’t care. I’m with the only girl that cares for me and I’m not going to brake now, not now.  I’m close to hitting the highway, east of the city and I’m already doing over a hundred. I think I’ll try to go for two hundred outside, maybe even more. I never did that, never pushed that far. I wasn’t one for speed, I always planned on coming home. But today, speed keeps me alive. Keeps me away from pain, so I push the gas again. The bike is roaring, asking for the sixth, but I’ll keep her from climaxing yet, I keep her on the edge. I smile, and I keep on riding.

I’m ready to turn to the highway when I finally brake, I look right and I see some cars in the distance so I throttle her up again, and just as I look right I saw a bus. I change the gears and I pull some more, but what I didn’t see is the truck on the second lane. There’s no time to brake and there’s no time to run either. I just open my eyes wide and feel how the time slows down. I whisper in my mind “I love you” and I squeeze the bike with my knees and the horns in my hands. It hits the rear wheel and I feel how she buckles up, trying to throw me away. We start spinning and the wheels hit something, maybe the side of the road or a tram or train line. I don’t know, but this time I can’t hold on. I start to fly seeing the bike falling on the ground broken.

I feel like a bird and I smile. It’s the best thing to freedom a human can have, free flying. I realize it might be the last thing I see or feel, but I don’t care, since it’s the best way to go… Go out with a bang. I see her face, again. Maybe for the last time. I remember that day in the park, I remember her sweet smile. I remember the lines on her lips and I can’t stop thinking of her eyes. The eyes I was afraid to look in. Black and deep, straight to the heart. The eyes that caught my heart and forgot to let go. I remember her soft dark blonde hair and her pink shirt that she always tried to close down, maybe thinking I was staring down her chest… But I couldn’t see anything else except her eyes… I remember her sweet voice and how she was telling me stories of her life, and I sipped every last word.

I remember it all and her face froze in front of me. Something is happening, I stop. I hit something, I felt the blunt of the force in the back of my head… I try to move my hands, at least one more to touch my long hair… But I can’t. The time still moved very slowly and her face is the only thing I see. I fall down and I feel a jolt in my body. Head to toe and everything starts to close down in a white hue. I smile, since I can’t ask for anything more than to go with her image, with the icon of her face in my eyes. I don’t want to close them since I don’t want to lose that to… Her image stuck on my retina. I hold onto it until everything is white and then there’s nothing more… In the end, A.M., I died for you, even if it’s just inside…

Sper sa va fi placut, si sper ca v-a adus un zambet, sau  v-a facut sa va ganditi la cei pe care ii iubiti. :) In final, va las sa ascultati Metallica – Turn the page si va implore sa traiti in culori, ca cei care pleaca dintre noi, vie oameni sau nu, sa nu fie obligati sa traiasca in nuante de gri.

2 comentarii:

  1. Foarte frumos si foarte trist totodata...
    Ma bucur ca ai parte de inspiratie zilele astea...asa ca baga mare la scris!
    Ma bucur si ca am inceput sa iti citesc scrierile pentru ca am trecut printr-o perioada in care nu am mai putut citi nimic, iar de scris nici nu s-a pus problema...Acum, insa, mi-am redescoperit pasiunea de a citi si iti multumesc si, cine stie, poate ma convertesti sa reincep sa scriu si eu :P

  2. Ma bucur, sincer. :)

    Si abia astept sa mai scrii. :P I think you're better than me at it.